they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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