chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
