Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
