God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
