Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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