I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
