So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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