Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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