I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
