I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
