I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
