all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
