My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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