Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
