My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
