I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
