This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
