at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry my hands just texted you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
