my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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