It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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