I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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