i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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