You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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