I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dicks are not precious.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
