My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
