my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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