I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
