Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
