So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
