i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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