Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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