she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
