my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
