the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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