How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
