I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
