yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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