He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
