we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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