Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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