he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
