Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
