dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
