OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
