i just sent this text using only my big toe
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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