i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
