just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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