The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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