I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
