I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
